Friday, September 28, 2012

September Series {Surving Change}

Hello dear readers,

This is one of those moments where you get a shot of the real. Ready for it?

Of all people I thought I was someone that probably adjusted to change better than others. I'm a chameleon when it comes to change I reminded myself. What I didn't know is that maybe it is me changing (ha ha) or it is my age but I feel like change this time around, especially with the recent news of me and my husband moving has been harder then I ever expected.

Now don't get me wrong. I am THRILLED about the adventure ahead. A new house, a new neighborhood, neighbors, a church, weather (definitely not as cold as Duluth) a new job, a new basically everything. I guess then that newness doesn't really shake me up that much. Maybe the absense of routine does. Ha. Found it.

See, since I have been married which may I remind you hasn't been that long I guess (over 11 months now) I have found that the routine of being all cuddled up with my hubby who is now missing in action living out his already new life as the other half in his new job in a new city far, far away from me has me not doing as well as I expected to.

I found that thinking I was a rather solitary creature anyway, needed more social interaction then I thought I did, really shook me up. Another surprise. Also, that maybe I am verging on the insane because I do answer my questions when I talk to myself, and maybe, just maybe, I am blue more then I thought I was because he makes me smile like no one else does.

So does that make me a needy person? Someone that can't stand on her own and be independant? That really bothered me. In fact, I was really upset by it. "You are a grown women, I said to myself one day while my little eyes teared up curling my hair one morning getting ready for work, "for heavens sake, lace up your big girl boots and kick the whole, youneedtobesocialandthatsjustthewayitis, crap out the door." As you notice my thought life towards myself isn't always stellar. lol.

I couldn't call anyone to chat. I couldn't stalk my Instagram friends and let it slip by, and I couldn't sit and read a book, listen to a song or watch a sappy girl movie without feeling it. I was lonely, and I was not enjoying this change. "FACE it, I said to myself grumpily, "this is who I am. I need people. Fine. FINE!" Grrr. See, I told you I talk to myself.

What I realized was missing was one serious change that I had let SLIP through my fingers. What I forgot almost was that I was a child of God. Not alone like I thought I was. Not invincible to change. AND, I was going to be fine. This didn't mean the end of the world. In fact this alone time meant the time I was craving most before this alone time. Time to hunker down, take out my tissue box and worship and pray. Because I needed it. I wasn't a very nice person without it. Without HIM.

God has taught me some things about change over the course of this last month. Which is why in part I didn't post anything about change like I wanted to at the beginning of this month.

Yes, I have gone through loss of a father, heart aches and heart breaks and who hasn't. Really? But, I knew that now as an adult going through these moments I could sit back and really take it in and realize what was happening. I needed a God intervention. I needed to understand that He was there for me even when I was alone. See, when I have experienced change I was surrounded. By my sisters, by my classmates, by distractions. I have busy sisters now, I am no longer a college student (thank GOD) and I don't have many distractions beside wondering what I want to eat for breakfast, lunch or dinner. :-)

Could I learn to trust my Jesus in my loneliness and let Him take control of my unburdened heart and let His BIG love and light shine through. Sure. I could try. But that silence at first was as silent as hearing NO pins drop. Do you hear anything when a feather drops? That was where I was at. I had to start all over again. I had to become like a little child and have a conversation on my dady's knee. But I didn't know how to do that when I hadn't even had that in my life with my real dad.

So I climbed up. At first, I was worried about tearing His robe as I tried to pull myself up. At first I was worried that my tears would leave mascara marks on his shoulder. At first, I was afraid that if He heard me cry He would think I was gross and disgusting for finally realizing that I needed help for loneliness and that I finally realized that I was a basket case and needed help. At first, I was worried that He would be disappointed in me because I was angry about unresolved things, worried about what I should do next, and that I didn't have any plans or goals for my future layed out. I was just a slobbering mess of insecurities and anger and LONELINESS.

He pulled me up. I didn't tear anything. I cried all over Him and He didn't push me away or run for the Tide pen to clean His robe from the flood of ink. He didn't make me feel stupid or less loved when I told Him that I felt stupid, that I should have known better. Instead, He pulled me in closer then I could have imagined. So close that I could barely breathe at times because He didn't want any extra room for anything else between us but just me and Him. Do you know how soft His lap is? How caring His eyes are? How comforting His warm hand feels on your heart? If you don't you're missing out.

Wow. I felt reborn again. All of a sudden all the anger, all the "what ifs" all the frustration I had inside and loneliness that I had felt before lifted. It wasn't that it was gone. BUT, now I had the tools to approach them as a more put together woman that God created me to be.

Daniel was chuckling at me the other day. "How's the sanding going sweetheart?" I had been sanding for what felt like hours. My arms were BURNING, my heart was pounding and I was getting tired. Whew. I wasn't mad, I wasn't resentful for having to do it but I was huffing up a storm. It was HARD work. "Good, I said. In fact, this is perfect devil stomping work. Really cathartic actually" I texted back. And I did. I stomped stomped and stomped some more. Taking back territory in my life that needed changing. One of them being those thoughts in my mind. I needed to give God control over my thoughts. I needed to CHANGE this area of me that could destroy my outlook on life. NOW.

What I am most thankful for is that Jesus never changes. He is constant. I need that. I need constancy. One routine you can always count on is Him loving you. He doesn't just show up for dinner, or special times at dessert parties, He is always there. Even better, close to you, in your being, your heart. Nothing quiet like it.

So in this season of change, how do you handle it gracefully? I've got one tip for you. Give YOURSELF grace. Oh and if I can add another. Pray. Keep Jesus close. Meditate on His words of change in the Bible. I love what Charles Spurgeon says....

“It is well for us that, amidst all the variableness of life, there is One whom change cannot affect; One whose heart can never alter, and on whose brow mutability can make no furrows.”
One particular verse that I spoke over my heart every day was this one from Number 23:19 that reads:

God is not human, that he should lie,
not a human being, that he should change his mind.
Does he speak and then not act?
Does he promise and not fulfill?
My point exactly. Nuff said.
Join me next month for October's series on finding your role as a daughter of the king in all the mess of life. I think you'll really enjoy it. I sure did.

Until next time....


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