Yesterday I had an eye-awakening experience. A moment in my life that I know for certain I will never forget. One of those times where you purpose yourself to see your life. What it was, what it is, and what it could be. And a certain resolve inside my heart began... something I never thought I'd be mature enough to accept. Something I thought I'd be settled to do when I was a few years older, retired, kicking back my heels and scouring over inspiration boards to decide "what's next?" Only I think that happened for me yesterday, instead.... it just sorta hit me is all.
I've been consumed lately with an idea that I hadn't quite found the epitome of being if you know what I mean. And I guess that sounds like youth talking there. But it was a bit more then that for me. I had a bunch of old conversations racing back and forth in my not so organized cerebral cortex... composing a list... and here it is... a list of things that I had DREAMED of doing. Or more so, fantazied over. Some of them are worth laughing about... but I'm being honest... they made me stop and think. Quite often actually. Wondering if I had wasted an opportunity and maybe in my pursuit to get to ONE place I managed to miss the Right/TRUE place all together. So here goes the list...
flower shop owner
event planner for the big shots
vocalist and etertainer
professional cake decorator
(blah, blah, choke... yeah... blah)
... and I suppose the list could go on and on. But that is where I felt comfortable resting...
These were ideals of my future. Ideals that once I wrote each one out and weighed the pros and cons on paper... something I never did, I realized that my desires were very performance based. A reality of my life for a very long time before I had a chance to actually have someone speak into my life and make me notice them. Not that performance is bad. But in my case it was. It was to stand above the crowd, make myself proud while putting others down and most likely ruin myself in the process.
One of the most humbling experiences I had this past summer was realizing how stuck up I had become in my opinion of others. I wanted to wave my glimmering cocktail ring, flash my killer smile and sway in and out of traffic in a high rise affording the comforts and also not comprehending the calamities that come from living in vanity. The vanity of a broken heart. Thankfully I was able to talk to someone about those things... and realized that long ago my passion was to go out and work in the streets with the homeless, pick them up out of the rubble of their grime, their debt, their insecurities, their sexually transmitted diseases and their broken hearts. Things I didn't have, but things I wanted to know more about because I felt this deep love and belonging to be there. But I felt compelled to blaze ahead and make my mark on the world. Only I realized that my mark would have been just another imprint of someones selfish motives and... gain. (hard swallow). Thankfully after alot of prayer and inner healing with hours spent wretching my soul and heart out over the bed post, I was able to hear my heart talking. The heart that God had created.
Another thing I surmised from this list I created yesterday, is just how stressful those stypes of jobs are to me.. in reality. I don't enjoy the thought of doing one of them at all. Just a few examples I'll share are this:
Forensic lab tech.
Okay. Sounds cool. Who wouldn't want to be as awesome as Abby Sciuto on NCIS. But in reality... you are going to be working with dead bodies. That is one things I absolutely ABHORE! Body parts, body fluids, dead things. They make me faint with the willies and that is truth. Scratch that from the list.
Do I have the brains? Hell yeah. Do I love the outfit? You betcha baby. However, big problem here. I would ultimately in most cases end up having to defend someone I know in my HEART would be dead wrong. I can't justify certain things and I also am not the type to bend the rules to give me a promotion, put my face up on a billboard or have people send me congratulatory crates of wine. I'd die. Not right away but later I would. Oh and not to offend any one on purpose, because I know for a fact that there are awesome lawyers out there, but I would have become a nasty man hater, single, still abused, and drinking my life away while I dressed myself in Gucci. Yep. One big, cold heart smuggler of lies. Yuck.
Want another one? Sure you do. Because I want you to see just how hard I worked and how good God is.
Who DOESN'T like money? My gosh. Blow me away with it and wrap me up in a cacoon. It really DOES make life easier and if it is given to the right person it could make a hell of a lot of difference too. With the right person. Only thing is... don't you dislike those people that have all that money then go around waving it nonchalantly (because they can) then ever so often when the spirit stirs them (chuckle)... they go and help some poor needy soul and EVERYONE hears about it? Even if it was down quitely and discreetly somehow (and you know how) the real deal comes out and it usually comes out when that other person for some reason, the poor soul, finds themselves at odds with the giver. Then all of a sudden the plight of helping out that once so lowly person becomes the breadth and width of martyrdom. Oh SAVE me God from such a fate. Therefore, and I am so comfortable to have God lavish on me the love that He has for me to give. Love is sacrifice. You can't tell me it isn't because everything about love is sacrifice. Philanthropy is NOT sacrifice. It's just bending the bucket over enough for a few drops to flow and very subjectively hold it back until YOU feel that your desired wishes for that person are met. All of a sudden it isn't God's money anymore or even His plan for that person's life. It's yours. And that... gosh.. that scares me to death. I don't want to be God. LOL!
So there... reality check complete ( and you are glad I only share with you the THREE of the 26 fantasies I had) and I would like to say... a very happy one. But this is what I found yesterday as I was looking over the Skyline over my beautiful Duluth... all ready for winter...
...was that I know what I am destined for and what I am SO happy to embrace.
Cuz here I am, a 27 year old wife, with two children and a grandaughter. =) (You should SEE my smile). This is a job that is beautiful and fits me to a "T". I don't want to be a professional cook or baker, but I want to make my family the best, so I will continue to hone my craft. I'm not super crafty but every once in a while I love making something that stirs my heart, warms the soul, and brings coziness to my home.
I'm not rich, can't stand in front of a judge, can't design a building or piece together a broken body... but I am rich in spirit, stand up for what's right, make a pretty hunky dorey cake with my Wilton cake decorating kit (love that thing) and kiss the hurts. That's dreaming.
And dreams aren't about being skinny, walking down a runway or running down a track in two minutes flat. It's about glowing, healthy, confidence, something you can be proud of, show off and kick up your work boots, flats or heals about in equally humble fashion... whatever your style, or mine is for that matter, because it changes all the time... hour, minute, second.
What I found is that I don't have to do any of those things on my long list of day dreams in order to live a well fashioned life. In fact, I already do alot of them anyway... as hobbies that I fully and utterly enjoy. I know that if I took one of them on as a profession the joy and luster of them would fade and it would end up just as I dread it would. A chore. Now that would be worth crying over. So no. Guess what? I am a wife! A mother! A grandma for heavens sake! And I couldn't be happier. I am going to make cakes, take photos for my blog, watch NCIS, enjoy day trips in my car like a dog all gaga over car rides and decorate my home, and love on and lift up all those around me like it is no one else's business and I am going to be better then anyone too. ;-) Because I feel... Like I'm finally living the life that I KNOW in my heart God called and set apart for me to do. This is my ministry. My life to touch others and breathe into them the same love and joy and care that God showed me when I thought I was miss hot stuff (rolling my eyeballs).
Yeah... that's something to GIVE THANKS about.