{one thing}

Do you ever wonder what one thing in your life if you did it would make you more you? I'm thinking about that a lot lately. Like if I just bit the bullet and went brunette like both my sisters, or changed my eye shadow, or painted my finger nails more often, or pursued a different career, or, or, or!!!!!!!! AH! STOP! Doesn't it just make you feel goofy, insane, or less then totally there? I wonder. And what I wonder is if what I am feeling is really even real or just a stupid insecurity or is it rather just me exploring myself and the options and the future of my life, the opportunity for my best life. Drives me nuts. Meaning I should probably stop. But that is what is particularly bothering me this Monday morning. I look at myself in my glorified cube, closed in by fake walls and even faker titles, and really just wanting to experience more then what THIS has to offer. I know that isn't an insane feeling. I am sure there are plenty of people who get the cubey duldrums. Gray walls even grayer assignments. Nothing that excites, enriches or makes me feel good about doing what I am doing. So I am experiencing what one might call the pits of despair in my worklife. Although, it really can't be that bad, I must just be experiencing a Monday... oh and HELLO... I've got a cold. AGAIN. I had one three weeks ago or so. So today, sore throat, body aches, head ache, eye achiness... I could go on and on but who wants to get a list? I surely wouldn't... All I'm saying is I feel like CRAP! There... now that feels better. =)

Sometimes me and my coworker laugh when I say, "Yeah, I got a bachelors degree to hang out in a cube all day." I feel grateful but at the same time, today I don't want to give anything the credit. Yes, I have employment and yes I have a paycheck but if you don't enjoy what you do doesn't that really just make having or getting those things not very exciting? I remember being excited about work and really feeling like every move was appreciated on some level or was for a greater good. Hm... I can hear you all guessing a job change is in order right? Yep. You're right. If you threw me in a field somewhere and said for me to plow it I would and I'd be so excited because I'd be actually doing something. Oh boy... that IS really bad isn't it? Alright... I guess the hunt is on... or a changed attitude is in order. =)